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Tales of a far away land.

Frankly, I’m torn between my desire to report on a magical place, and my longing for just sitting here and let it all sink in. I am currently staying at an old ranch house, hand-built from sandstone boulders, filled with art by the Armenian immigrant Jirayr Zorthian (1911-2004,) who built it many, many decades ago.

It is located high up in the foothills of the San Gabriel mountains, reachable via a one-lane, potholed, hairpin-curved dirt road. Driving it down and up once a day is enough to get your adrenalin flowing. Except that levels are high already from the sheer beauty that surrounds you, the house nestled among olive-, eucalyptus-, and palm trees, old oaks and oleander bushes, overlooking Los Angeles in the distance.

It is one of many dwellings on a multi-acres compound that is populated by people who have decided to (mostly) live off the land, many of whom remind me of my own hippie days in the late 60s. You wander amongst trailers, make-shift living arrangements, a communal kitchen, laundry and store, multiple workshops for wood and metal working, and large vegetable gardens.

There is live stock, some of which is roaming freely and becoming my occasional visitors. In fact my 14 month-old granddaughter now consistently makes goat noises when she sees me, having seen them at my place. Old goat, indeed. Happy old goat.

The toddler might as well hoot, since the owls are singing me to sleep every night, the minute the sun goes down, three different species telling by their call, a pair of Northern pygmy owls among them, with their eerie staccato whistling. It is cold up here when the wind blows and dusty, likely hot in the summer. As with every ancient house, some windows don’t open, some don’t close, and there is a resident raccoon in the ceiling, which I have come to expect – every one of my extended California trips had one seeking proximity in the walls of my rooms. True story! (I also hasten to add the wonderful folks here are in the process of chasing it out. As I said, old house, many access points.)

The creativity of Jirayr Zorthian who build up this land, and whose son and granddaughter are currently managing the rentals for concerts, meetings, weddings and lodgers to bring in some funds – and most importantly continue his legacy of celebration of art – is evident wherever you look. PBS had a comprehensive account of the history of the artist and the place he imprinted, calling it a 48 acre art junk yard, in case you are curious. He worked as a muralist, murals which can be found among others at the Pentagon. He partied with the best of them, Andy Warhol, Bob Dylan, Charlie Parker, Segovia, Richard Feynman, and many more included, and in his last years allowed people to deposit junk on the property, which his descendants are still trying to get rid off, 20 years after his death.

The house itself is filled with paintings, drawings, prints and small cultural tableaux made from found objects. I’ve been here over a week now and still discover new details every morning. The outside walls that surround the house flank walking paths or little hidden patios, overflowing with objects cemented into the field stones, with a recurring theme of insulators. They come in all sizes, shapes, materials like glass and ceramics, likely collected obsessively since there is not a single view, anywhere, that does not include one or more of these things that are used on telephone polls and wires.

I have been photographing them in all lights and times of day, hoping there will be some creative spark to use them for montages. I feel insulated here, protected from the horrors and sorrows of the world as long as a I stay away from my computer. Insulated from the internally imposed push towards accomplishing something, going to museums, writing reviews. I have literally not done anything other than soaking up nature, and glowing from the joy that is my family here.

Oh, and of course, I have photographed birds. They visit, morning and evening, on the surrounding car wrecks transformed into installations, and the juxtaposition of nature and man-made, rusty objects has been a thrill. They land on artificial trees, blossoming with, what else, insulators. They take birdbaths in discarded bowls and hubcaps. Finches, warblers, mocking birds, hummingbirds, ravens, hawks, sparrows, acorn woodpeckers, you name them.

I can imagine that it is not easy to live in the shadow of such a larger-than-life figure as Zorthian. Not easy to make it in a community that forever changes with people coming and going, with laws restricting the ability to capitalize on the land, an initial lack of experience with animal husbandry or food farming, changing climate conditions and unreliable sources of income to carry a group of committed tenants. As a house guest I reap all the benefits of the beauty, without the cost of the conditions that come with this unusual place. But I can see the absolute thrill of being part of a legacy, of driving (art)history forwards, of maintaining an actual and spiritual independence from the norms that society tries to impose on us all. This place is infused with purpose as well as levity, peacefulness as well as stimulation. I think it conveys, for those who maintain it, a sense of belonging to something bigger than themselves, a social embeddedness. So important in times of experienced isolation and societal division. For those who visit: a true gift of insulation from the rest of our lives.

Here is one of the prior ranch visitors, Segovia, playing Bach. Then again, I could have chosen Charlie Parker…. but it felt like a sublime day.

Coming and Going

You have to be on the lookout – otherwise you miss all the action!

Going: yours truly, driving to L.A. for the next month or so. Dispatches are in the cards, but not on a regular basis! I am hoping for a few Art on the Road adventures, though.

Coming: spring.

At least that’s what it looked and felt like yesterday near the Columbia river when the sun finally broke through, and little puffy clouds made the sky delectable.

Lots of kestrels,

other birds pairing up, or calling for mates

Buds and first shoots emerging,

and the landscape on the cusp of exploding into color, with a few saturated spots already showing off.

Hard to imagine California can beat that. But then again…… stay tuned.

Since I didn’t burden your brain with much text today, we might as well stretch it with some unusual music from Australia. The album title translates as Now; the singer is one of few remaining Butchulla songmen, singing in their endangered aboriginal language.

Diversion

Today is International Women’s Day. I should probably be writing something about the rights women fought for, gained, have threatened and lost. About women in Gaza who lose more than just whatever rights remain to them, losing their families or even their lives. The women in Afghanistan who no longer have access to education, much less choices to thrive in anything other than the domestic sphere, if there. The women of America whose reproductive rights and bodily freedom are under an ongoing assault. And then we are faced with a reply to the SOTU address by a Republican Senator from Alabama, who sits at her kitchen table (where women belong ?) with a cross studded with diamonds around her neck (in case you forget the goal to make this into a Christian nation after all), all drama queen, stage whispering with fake tears in her eyes, how” illegal” immigrants are murdering our wives and daughters, painting a picture that might as well have come right out of The Handmaid’s Tale.) One might wonder how someone who says sexual assault is the worst thing that can happen to a woman, is encouraging Americans to vote for a convicted sexual predator.

For the sake of sanity – yours as well as mine – I will instead write about the most glorious sights I encountered this week, providing some diversion from our political reality. Some 40 minutes north of Portland, in the state of Washington, runs the Lewis river, emptying into the Columbia which in turn joins the Pacific. At this time of year there are runs of smelt that make their way from the ocean, up the rivers, to their spawning grounds. These small fish from the family Osmeridae live most of their lives in the sea, and when I consulted wikipedia to learn more of them I encountered this: smelt tastes like smelt. Good to know.

The runs vary in size, with climate change making a large, negative impact already. Across the last years, recreational fishing for them in many regions of the Pacific Northwest was severely regulated, they were so scarce. This year the Fish and Wildlife Administration offered people permits for their dipping nets that were only open for a couple of single days.

The bald eagles who congregate at the confluence of the rivers benefit, of course, when they don’t have to compete with fishermen for the increasingly smaller number of prey. The sight was spectacular. In a landscape straight out of a 17th century Flemish painting, they congregate on trees by the hundreds. A steady coming and going, dipping in the water, then hanging out with their lunch on various snags or branches.

Many of them circling higher than I had ever seen them. I first thought those were vultures, joining the feast, but no, all eagles, many of them juvenile who still have brown feathers instead of the symbolic white heads and tail feathers. Lots of courtship acrobatics in the air, with males and females, mating for life, eventually tumbling down in pirouettes, gripping each other’s talons before landing for the fun to begin.

To see the most amazing close up shots, done with professional equipment that I cannot match, by a nature photographer, Mike Schultz, who really stands out, look here. The pictures are from 2021, when the smelt run was bigger than today.

Images by Mike Schultz

My equipment might not live up to these standards, but my enthusiasm sure did. Standing in sunshine, if cool, listening to the sounds of these birds, as well as the sea lions joining the hunt, my heart simply lifted. There was no pretense, no play acting, no hidden agenda, no political manipulation – just nature doing what it does, surviving the day, planning for future generations and protecting them, being in the moment, rising.

A gift.

Music today is Chopin’s Heroic, dedicated to all women who are, having no other choice. And fitting for the eagles as well…..

Papageno

One way of cheering myself up when I am about to sink into a prolonged period of the doldrums, is to look at how other people created art during difficult times. It is pretty amazing how many insanely talented people were out there – and productive – when fascism, war, and displacement ruled the day. A reminder that it can be done, with the requisite discipline and defiant attitude.

One of them who you have probably never heard of before, was Lotte Reininger (June 2, 1899 – June 19, 1981) who lived and worked in Berlin until she and her husband left in late 1935 to escape the Nazis. From then on they stayed in multiple European countries as long as their respective visas allowed, with a short interlude to care for her ailing mother back in Berlin, promptly being forced by the Nazi regime to help with their propaganda machine. Eventually she settled in England and became a British citizen in 1961.

Reininger, a writer, director and film maker, was friends with numerous notable artists of the time, Bertholt Brecht and Benjamin Britten among them. Her main focus, though was on making animated films with shadow silhouettes (Scherenschnitt) and a first form of a multiplane camera that she devised in 1923. They were strange films, some short, some feature lengths, with topics ranging from fairy tales, to operas, to parodies, with the occasional advertisement to make some money.

Her films were successful for their novelty and their strongly erotic atmosphere, but many of them had so many references to classical music and/or literature, that a less educated public did not exactly get all the action, irony or satirical jokes. They are genuinely fascinating, craft and creative content alike. They are playful, and integrate a number of cultural markers from different countries, referencing western and non-western art alike. The idea that all of the intricate detail was cut by hand and assembled, a century before AI where something akin could be devised in a minute, is mind boggling to me.

She pioneered “paper and cardboard cut-out figures, weighted with lead, and hinged at the joints—the more complex the characters’ narrative role, the larger their range of movements, and therefore, the more hinges for the body—were hand-manipulated from frame to frame and shot via stop motion photography. The figures were placed on an animation table and usually lit from below. In some of her later sound films the figures were lit both from above and below, depending on the desired visual effect. Framed with elaborate backgrounds made from varying layers of translucent paper or colorful acetate foils for color films, Reiniger’s characters were created and animated with exceptional skill and precision.” (Ref.)

I chose one of my favorites, Papageno, for you to enjoy.

It uses a number of tropical bird silhouettes, some almost looking like squirrels, some parrots, some emus. So I thought I’d dig out photographs of something semi-exotic, the lovely peacock. The music and the references to Mozart’s opera are self-explanatory.

If you want to enjoy the whole opera, here is a link to a 1971 Hamburgische Staatsoper production that I actually saw live. Man, I’m old.

And here is a link to a 15 minute overview of Lotte Reininger’s genius, produced by The Met.

If you interested in the art of paper cutting, here is an overview essay, that describes different ways of doing it and their historical and geographic origins, from China in the second century AD to Aztecs in Mexico, to Ashkenazi Jews in the 17th century. Scherenschnitt, cutting with scissors, as used by Reininger, was likely developed in Switzerland and then Germany in the 1500s. Pennsylvania Germans brought it to the US in the 1700s.

So, if this miserable weather does not allow for photography, maybe I should grab a pair of scissors. Or not. Too tempting to use it as a weapon, given my mood and the politics du jour…. so maybe watercolor instead.

Down // Up

Climb with me over the fallen trees in my immediate neighborhood, the park where I walk every day. Sink your boots with the most delicious sloshing sounds into the mud of the holes that the root balls left, and once again realize the power in nature. Bringing it all down.

Several speculations have been making the rounds why this particular ice storm did so much damage, and the given reasons probably overlap or interact. For one, the drought of the last several years has really stressed the trees and their root system. Secondly, the heavy rains in late fall saturated the ground, leaving the roots in unstable earth. Lastly, the storm that arrived two weeks ago had winds with gusts of up to 60 mph, winds that spiraled for some reason, encircling the trees, rather than swaying them back and forth, which apparently has more power (with even higher speeds those would be tornadoes or hurricanes, with a rotating function.) The ice then did the rest, its weight on the trees felling those that were unstable.

Hundchen not so sure about all of this

For counterbalance, here are a few of the soaring creatures that I photographed on Tuesday – with some others thrown in from previous January/February visits to Sauvie Island, just to marvel at the diversity of migrating visitors. Up they go….

Pelicans, Geese, Swans, Sandhill cranes, buzzards, kestrels. And then there were the bald eagles, cavorting, resting, chasing each other again, and finally getting some lunch.

That really is all for today, I simply do not have much stamina after these outings. But I do have an up & down song by Blood, Sweat and Tears from a looong time ago……

And since we’re already on memory lane, here is Earth, Wind and Fire I guess all we’re missing is the ice that the storm brought.

Winter Ponder Land

When you are iced in for pretty much a full week, as we were last week, there is a lot of time to ponder disaster scenarios.

If 200 ft (61 meters) sequoias topple in your yard (sparing your house with a stroke of luck, while many others in the Portland area saw their houses destroyed or even human life taken) your vulnerability becomes even more the center of attention.

Several trees came down, this the largest – about half of it in view here.

When you have no power for 4 full days, as we did during temperatures in the teens, you focus on what can be done during even worse scenarios: the mega earthquake that is looming on the time horizon for the Pacific Northwest.

I am talking about all this for another reason as well: somehow the prolonged shut-in has also frozen my brain, and so I have no capacity to write about something more interesting. Humor me then with reading a few suggestions for disaster preparedness, and store the links to more detailed instruction for a time when you have room and interest to act on them.

Wrens in action (Zaunkönig)

The most essential needs will be water, food and warmth (See the FEMA instructions for quantities, per head.) Energy bars will do for a few days if you have no means to heat up other dried food. If you have pets remember some emergency rations for them as well (and have a sticker at your door that informs rescue personnel what animals live in your house – they can be ordered on line.) Camping stoves will be useful if a major disaster cuts you off for weeks on end. (And yes, I realize, it is hard to stash all that stuff if you live in an apartment.)

Robins (Rotkehlchen)

Having a bag that contains solid shoes, a change of warm clothes, basic toiletries, first aid kit and some spare meds that are essential, water and energy bars, is helpful if you need to leave for a shelter in a hurry. Flashlights that wrap around the head are useful since they keep your hands free. Include a whistle, so search teams can find you. Matches or lighter. Stash in it photocopies of your drivers license, your insurance name and number, and your prescriptions for medications. Spare power blocks and charging wires for your cell phone should be included.

Thrushes (Drosseln)

If you can stay in your (damaged) house, a cheap tent and sleeping bags come in handy to preserve body heat. We stayed warm(ish) this week and had no water pipes break because we have a wood stove in the basement that heated the adjacent area and kept the house overall in the 40s. Having a crowbar available helps with earthquake debris. A fire extinguisher is helpful.

Sparrows (Spatzen)

Here is the FEMA safety preparation booklet.

Here is a website that offers the FEMA recommendations, with a few highlights for preparing the house/apartment, some relevant links for insurance and building codes, and a detailed listing of the risk to the PDX neighborhoods where we live.

Junkos and Towhees (Winterammern und Grundammern)

This week was a reminder that nature should never be underestimated. And now I’ll go and check out ads for generators…..

Photographs are self explanatory.

Chickadee (Kohlmeise)

Let’s make the music equally melodramatic as the weather: Sviridov’s Snowstorm.

Schwanengesang

· (Biological) Swansong ·

The silver Swan, who living had no Note,
when Death approached, unlocked her silent throat.
Leaning her breast against the reedy shore,
thus sang her first and last, and sang no more:
“Farewell, all joys! O Death, come close mine eyes!
“More Geese than Swans now live, more Fools than Wise.””

Orlando Gibbons The Silver Swan Madrigals & Motets 1612

Walk with me. In the wetlands, before the intense cold, predicted for the days to come, is settling in. The air is damp, a grayish blue that intensifies all the yellows and oranges around, the bark of the willow bushes, the buds of the hazelnut trees. (And also makes it very difficult to photograph birds in flight as you will see below.)

A dreamy landscape, with occasional glimpses of the sun trying to break through the cloud cover

Herons and egrets drying off and combing for morsels, respectively.

Bald eagle on the look-out.

Some geese,

lots of duck action, ducks unknown to me,

some happily (?) planning for future ducklings…

The silence, only occasionally interrupted by their flapping wings, or splashing water, is shattered when a wedge of swans appears overhead in flight, calling loudly.

A sight to behold! These are Tundra swans (Cygnus columbianus sometimes called Whistling swans)), recognizable by their black beaks and slight yellow streak around their eye (I could only see that with the single one I caught close on camera, while swimming.) They are native to North America and we can see them in winter when they fly over Oregon, foraging here in our wetlands.

These swans are monogamous and mate for life (they can live for more than 20 years), breeding once a year in the tundras of Canada and the Alaskan arctic. Come autumn, they merge in groups of up to 100 birds to fly south. The journey covers 4000 miles, flown at an altitude as high as 26.000 feet and with speeds up to 60 mph! Their biology is all about making this flight possible: bones are hollow and there are fewer of them compared to mammals; their breathing systems is adjusted in multiple ways – (during flight birds need to breathe up to 10 times faster to enable sufficient oxygen to be delivered to the muscles. All of these details, btw, I found here.)

The lungs have far more tissue density so that more blood can flow through them for oxygen exchange. Their breath flows in one direction only, entering on one path, exiting on another, enabling lots of volume to flow through in a steady stream. Their windpipe, the trachea, is different from ours’ as well – as you can see in the picture, it has coiled loops at the end, rather than going straight into the lungs.

“Why is she blasting me with all these details?” you might wonder. “Do I really need to know tundra swan anatomy?” Well, you might want to if you are interested in the genesis of the phrase “Swansong,” a phrase commonly used to describe the last output of someone before their stage exit or death, often heard in the context of famous artists showering us with brilliant work at the end of their life. (In fact, music today is Schubert’s collection of songs titled Swansong, published posthumously.)

OK, maybe Swansong is not on the forefront of your thoughts either, but it really is an interesting bit of lore – or, as it turns out, a biological fact.

Throughout history, swans have held a special place in mankind’s imagination. Tons of confabulation revolves around them, from the Greek fables to Norse mythology to the European fairy tales of the 19th century. (Details can be found in this essay, which was also the source of today’s entry citation.) One of the lasting assumptions across cultures was the claim that swans are pretty much silent or mute throughout their life time, and only sing beautifully at the point of their death. Some smart cookies, like Pliny the Elder, were already critical of that observation in CE 77, but the belief would not die. Da Vinci noted it, as did Chaucer, Shakespeare, Tennyson and Coleridge, to mention just a few.

Here is the deal: swans are not mute during their lifetime. But it is also true, that due to the nature of their coiled trachea, they emit a series of long, plaintive tones when their lungs collapse during death and the air gets pushed through the windpipe, probably the base observation that started the legend.

Now where the other piece of persistent lore originates – swans are maidens, who shed their feather coats at night to bathe in the lakes and can be trapped if you steal the plumage – remains a mystery not yet solved by naturalists…

For those less inclined towards biology and more interested in art: Here is a truly terrific collection of 44 art works centered on the myth of Leda and the Swan. The author did an amazing tour de force from Michelangelo to modern photography and everyone in between, with helpful description and discussion of each piece. Really worth a read!

The Pear Tree revisited.

I figured I’d offer some reassurance at the beginning of 2024: YDP will be as eclectic as ever, as haphazard in what gets picked up and woven in with the rest of what fills my brain, so that you can rely on at least one thing remaining the same in your lives.

For a start it’ll be some thoughts by the Italian Marxist Antonin Gramsci, a poem by Ruth Awad, a Lebanese-American poet who is also a tattoo artist and an insurance manager who collects rescue Pomeranians, and some views of my pear tree. How is that for a mix?

House Finches

Regular readers are familiar with the pear tree, and its neighboring hawthorn tree, seen from my chair where I hang out when my body – what else is new – vetoes the plans for various hikes and outings yet again. It is where I found myself last week, amazed at the variety of birds who kept me company this late in the season, a humming bird included.

Anna’s Hummingbird

It gave me time to reread Gramsci, in particular his apropos musings on (not) celebrating the New Year. I don’t share his sentiment of hating the occasion, although I don’t love New Year’s either. At my age, frankly, one of the thoughts that is inescapable when you are feeling lousy and the numbers change from ’23 to ’24, is personal: will this be the year I die? After all we lost a lot of friends this year – here is an Oregon ArtsWatch list which included a mirror photograph I took of Henk Pander during our Mutual Portraits project, a close friend enormously missed.

But Gramsci sets me right in the rest of his one page-proclamation: you want to focus on continuity and spirit, not on breaking points and final balances, filled with resolutions that you will not keep.

I want every morning to be a new year’s for me. Every day I want to reckon with myself, and every day I want to renew myself…..I would like every hour of my life to be new, though connected to the ones that have passed.”

Song Sparrow

In one of the stranger deliberations I’ve read in a while, he also hopes for the arrival of socialism in order to jettison the celebration dates handed down by the ancestors. I guess it would give us something to talk about, shared hopes for differing reasons….

Thrushes

Not so sure what I would talk about with today’s poet, Ruth Awad, whose work, as far as I’ve read it, lacks the balance of emotionality and intellect that I so crave. If that sounds condescending it is not meant to be – there is much to be said for the offerings of the Ruth Awads or Maggi Smiths of the world, embraced by contemporary readers for their accessibility and courage to be sentimental. If it keeps an interest in poetry alive, so be it.

I mean it.

Black capped chickadees

The poem below, published in The Atlantic at the end of the year, drew me in, though, for one specific sentiment, expressed in the last words:

“…if only you’ll let he world soften you with its touching.”

To let the world soften us, or even better, to comfort and fill us with occasional awe at a time when we tend to harden from fear and/or sorrow, we have to attend to it. The “world” is all around us, easily, constantly available, no extravagant or even local excursions needed. You just have to sit and look, birds perching in the pear tree, reminding us of an existence not governed by dates, or resolutions, just renewal from hour to hour, here, now, in 2024.

Gramsci’s theory of Hegemony, a strategy of power pursued through cultural work, can wait. So can my knitting. Or folding the laundry. I just look at the birds. It is healing.

White crowned sparrow

Reasons to Live

Because if you can survive
the violet night, you can survive

the next, and the fig tree will ache
with sweetness for you in sunlight that arrives

first at your window, quietly pawing
even when you can’t stand it,

and you’ll heavy the whining floorboards
of the house you filled with animals

as hurt and lost as you, and the bearded irises will form
fully in their roots, their golden manes

swaying with the want of spring—
live, live, live, live!

one day you’ll put your hands in the earth
and understand an afterlife isn’t promised,

but the spray of scorpion grass keeps growing,
and the dogs will sing their whole bodies

in praise of you, and the redbuds will lay
down their pink crowns, and the rivers

will set their stones and ribbons
at your door if only

you’ll let the world
soften you with its touching.

by Ruth Awad

Chestnut backed Chickadees

Music today is conducted by a guy named Birnbaum – pear tree – the enchanting second movement of Schubert’ Symphony #8, the Great.

Here is the full version with a different orchestra, Mallwitz conducting.

Nuthatch

Mothers and Daughters

Walk with me. No, scratch that. Stand with me. Because that is what I have been doing, standing, ever so slightly frustrated, at the edge of flooded roads, hiking paths, and wetlands, with no way in. This is what the start of the rainy season looks like in Oregon. By February, if the winter has average amounts of precipitation which you never know these days, it will be worse.

Still plenty of landscape, fall color and birds there for appreciation. Photographs from 3 outings combined across this week. The herons and egrets sure loved the flooding.

Happy to have you around today, particularly the literary types, since I need help to understand something. A title that I have trouble with, of a poem by Andrea Cohen that was first published in 2012 in the ThreePenny Review. I rather like it and think I’ve have a handle on it overall, if not the issues it raises. Yet, the title???

The Committee Weighs In

I tell my mother
I’ve won the Nobel Prize.

Again? she says. Which
discipline this time?

It’s a little game
we play: I pretend

I’m somebody, she
pretends she isn’t dead.

—Andrea Cohen

The waterway on the left is a footpath, usually!

A seeming interaction between mother and daughter ends with the revelation that the mother is no longer alive. With that new perspective we understand that an issue of self-worth, expectations, and appreciation (or lack thereof) continues to be salient for the daughter even after the source of those sentiments is no longer around.

It begins with achievement and why not go for the top of the heap, the Nobel Prize. Will receiving the prize satisfy a parent? Will receiving it for the umpteenth time make a difference? No word of praise, no explanation of delight, no pride expressed towards the achieving daughter. Just a matter-of-fact question about the discipline, as if to check that in the hierarchy of the Nobel you’ve climbed the ladder. Maybe physics is more important than literature, maybe the Peace Nobel Prize is the epitome? Is anything ever enough?

That sense of having to perform, yearning for acknowledgement is so ingrained that the game has to be played with an imaginary parent, or one that only carries on in one’s imagination, in perpetuity.

Duckies!

One the one hand, it is scary to think that we, the parents, who inevitably have messed up across our children’s life time, will have made such an impact that it cannot be shaken, even if that impact is based on perceptions that don’t need to be entirely true. Maybe our children assumed us to be much more demanding than we actually were or meant to be.

Goldfinches

Brown creeper and downy woodpecker

Flicker

On the other hand, it is frightening that we, the children, will never be free of these psychological binds, conjuring our parents up in endlessly empty gestures of imagined appeasement. And then encounter repeat performances of lack of appreciation. In essence telling ourselves in this inner monologue/dialogue that we are simply never good enough.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is DSC_0045-2-1024x681.jpg

But then again, maybe the desire to please speaks of love, of a connection that we thought would hold if we are mutually recognizing players. The poem certainly gives agency to both, daughter and mother, in the sense that both are presented as “pretending.” Yet the expressed sense of inadequacy, framed by a mother’s refusal to recognize, overshadows, for me everything else.

Or maybe it all means something completely different, what do I know.

But who is the committee that weighs in? Nobel prize is associated with committee, but don’t we assume “weighing in” refers to the current vignette of mother-daughter interaction? Is she awarded a prize for keeping the memory of her mother alive, warts and prior hurt and all? Help me out!

Turned color of blackberries, hazelnuts, wild currants, hawthorn and dog roses.

Here are some comforting thoughts about remedying what we’ve wrought, (or at least acknowledging that sometimes remedy is necessary,) words encountered in a post by a friend of LeGuin’s:

I think that when I die, I can breathe back the breath that made me live. I can give back to the world all that I didn’t do. All that I might have been and couldn’t be. All the choices I didn’t make. All the things I lost and spent and wasted. I can give them back to the world. To the lives that haven’t been lived yet. That will be my gift back to the world that gave me the life I did live, the love I loved, the breath I breathed.”

~Ursula K. Le Guin

(From: The Other Wind)

Fish for lunch…

Music today is a sweet debut album of a young singer, Kara Jackson, who reminds me of Joni Mitchell half a century ago. The topics, if you listen closely, are very much concerned with self worth, fearing or defying expectations set by society, struggling as a woman to find her own personae. But there is also a song about the loss of a loved one (unfortunately over-orchestrated/ Why does the earth give you people to love) that is quite moving.

Views from the Road – from Amusement to Awe.

40 years ago on this day my mother died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was a continent away and had to scramble to get home for the funeral. I thought I’d never get over the grief. I did, though. Whatever deep-seated sadness remains is certainly more than balanced by the gratitude to have known unconditional love and been given gifts galore: an interest in all of what the world has to offer among them. She was an intrepid traveler, and nothing escaped her eyes, no matter how mundane. Her moods could swing from amused to serious to fearful to exuberant in the shortest amounts of time and I see myself in that as well.

Mt. Shasta with no and very little snow 6 weeks apart. New crops planted now that rain has started.

Fall colors have arrived.

And frost once you crossed back into southern Oregon.

She would have enjoyed the roadtrip that brought me to L.A. and back, all 3.400 kilometers in a small car, with frequent stops to take in roadside attractions. She loved to drive, as do I, which is a blessing since I can no longer fly. She would have exulted in meeting the newest generation, named Lina in her honor, who will perhaps – hopefully – see the world with the same wonder as her predecessors.

Same view from a slightly different angle 6 weeks apart – beginning of October, end of November, pains now flooded.

Today’s photographs are selected to describe the range from amusement to awe. Here is the absurdity of a Potemkin village mimicking a Western town, a playground for children adjacent to a diner off of I 5 near Kettleman City, with Bravo Farms proudly displaying their collection of old signs, surely ignored by the kiddos who are overly excited to be released from the confines of their carseats. (Be warned: inside the restaurant, it is a zoo, with shooting arcades and proud display of gun imagery, overpriced and greasy pulled pork sandwiches, and noise levels that aim to deafen your remaining hearing capacity.)

Maybe they should reconsider their choice of beverage?

The second set was taken at the Sacramento National Wildlife Refuge. On my way South the first white chested geese had arrived.

On the way North, 1000s of Ross geese had reached their destination, ready to stay in California for the winter. Seeing this abundance of beauty is one thing, hearing it is another – the sounds are indescribably moving.

I picked today’s music accordingly – migrating swans and other birds can be heard in the background.

Mud hens congregate in front of the geese

And since that was the only serious piece I could find on migration, there is another Swansong , Schubert’s Ständchen transcribed and transformed for piano by Liszt – one that was played by my mother at bedtime, right below my room. Love is nigh.